UPMARKET DOWNSPOUT

OOH LA LA

THEY HAD A BROUHAHA-HA OVER ARUGULA-LA OOH LA LA, OOH LA LA
A HULLABALOO-LOO
LOUDER THAN A FROU-FROU-FROU-FROU-FROU, FROU-FROU LIKE MUCHACHAS IN CARACAS, THEY TOSSED AROUND MARACAS SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, PUTA! PUTA! HUMBLE TOOLS OF PERCUSSION RESULTED IN CONCUSSIONS PARAMEDICS, OH THEY RUSHED RIGHT IN!

THEY’VE NEVER EVER SEEN EYE TO EYE QUIBBLING SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY DIE THEY’VE NEVER EVER SEEN EYE TO EYE QUIBBLING SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY DIE

THEY HAD A BROUHAHA-HA OVER WATERLOO BY ABBA
BA-BA-BA, OOH LA LA A HULLABALOO-LOO IN KALAMAZOO-ZOO-ZOO-ZOO-ZOO, WATERLOO
LIKE BENNY AND BJORN, THEY TOSSED SOME COWHORNS TOOT, TOOT, TOOT, TIK! TIK! TIK!
HUMBLE HORNS FROM FJORDS, THEY DAMAGED VOCAL CHORDS
PARAMEDICS, OH THEY RUSHED RIGHT IN!

THEY’VE NEVER EVER SEEN EYE TO EYE QUIBBLING SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY DIE THEY’VE NEVER EVER SEEN EYE TO EYE QUIBBLING SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY DIE

THEY HAD A BROUHAHA-HA AT A DISCO, CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA A HULLABALOO-LOO OVER SOME BOOGALOO DUDE, DUDE, DUDE - OH HE WAS SOME KINDA DUDE! LIKE FRAULEINS ON THE RHINE, THEY TOSSED AROUND SOME TUBAS OOMPAH, OOMPAH, HUNDIN! HUNDIN! HUMBLE HORNS OF LOW NOTES, THEY LACERATED THROATS PARAMEDICS, OH THEY RUSHED RIGHT IN!

THEY’VE NEVER EVER SEEN EYE TO EYE QUIBBLING SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY DIE THEY’VE NEVER EVER SEEN EYE TO EYE QUIBBLING SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY DIE

KAREN

MY FAVOURITE KAREN HAS A FAVOURITE TRICK
SHE FREAKS OUT UNPROVOKED IN PUBLIC MY FAVOURITE KAREN LIKES TO PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN SEEKING JUSTICE FROM A POLICEMAN BUT VIDEOS ALWAYS SURFACE AND THEN SHE’S NAMED AND SHAMED, UNEMPLOYED, SHUNNED

MY FAVOURITE KAREN HAS A FAVOURITE GUN
A TACKY MANSE AND A TACKY HUSBAND
ARMED AND DANGEROUS TO EVERYONE THAT’S HOW THEY ROLL WHERE KARENS COME FROM MY FAVOURITE KAREN HAS A FAVOURITE SKIN IT’S LILY WHITE, THE SKIN SHE’S IN THE DARKER SHADES DON’T MAKE HER DAY AND THE BLACK ONES MAKES HER CURSE AND PRAY

TOO MANY KARENS TO PICK FROM I COULD NEVER PICK A FAVOURITE ONE SO MANY KARENS TO PICK FROM IMPOSSIBLE TO PICK JUST ONE

MY FAVOURITE KAREN HAS A FAVOURITE PHRASE SHE SAYS IT LOUDLY EVERY DAY LET’S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
KAREN CLAIMS TO STILL HAVE A BRAIN
MY FAVOURITE KAREN HAS A FAVOURITE RULE THEY’RE NOT FOR ME, THEY’RE FOR THE FOOLS HER NAME IS HER PASS TO ANY LAW PASSED HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE? THAT’S JUST CRUEL!

TOO MANY KARENS TO PICK FROM I COULD NEVER PICK A FAVOURITE ONE SO MANY KARENS TO PICK FROM IMPOSSIBLE TO PICK JUST ONE

HELICOPTER CHRISTIAN

HELICOPTER CHRISTIAN YOU HOVER SO CLOSE TOO CLOSE FOR LITTLE JOHNNIE HE LEFT FOR THE COAST
TO SATAN’S CALIFORNIA WHERE HE BOASTS HE’S MADE IT IN THE MOVIES PORNOS

HELICOPTER CHRISTIAN
PUKED UP CHEERIOS WHEN THE GODLY BUSYBODIES SENT VIDEOS OF LITTLE JOHNNIE JUNIOR IN HIS STARRING ROLES HE’S GOT A PORNO NAME, IT’S KINDA CATCHY CHRISTIAN GIGOLO

YOU’RE NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN OF GOD BUYING PORN NOW PUT YOUR BEADS AWAY, JOHNNIE WON’T BE REBORN YOU’RE NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN OF GOD BUYING PORN JUST PUT YOUR BEADS AWAY OR PRAY FOR UNICORNS

HELICOPTER CHRISTIAN SHEEPISH IN THE FLOCK YOU’RE HIDING IN THE BACK PEWS
AVOIDING MOCKS
AND HOW ABOUT FATHER DERLAN?
HOLY SHIT, WH-WHAT A SERMON! HE SHOT JOHNNIE’S REEL HE’LL BE DEFROCKED

YOU’RE NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN OF GOD BUYING PORN NOW PUT YOUR BEADS AWAY, JOHNNIE WON’T BE REBORN YOU’RE NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN OF GOD BUYING PORN NOW PUT YOUR BEADS AWAY OR PRAY FOR UNICORNS YOU’RE NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN OF GOD BUYING PORN NOW PUT YOUR BEADS AWAY, JOHNNIE WON’T BE REBORN

HAPPY

WENT ON A DATE, I COULD SMELL THE DISCONTENT AFTER SHE ASKED ME, “BOY, DO YOU OWN OR DO YOU RENT?” WELL, I DON’T RENT AND, BABY, I DON’T OWN TIMES ARE TOUGH, I HAD TO MOVE BACK HOME MAMA, SHE COOKS AND CLEANS FOR ME MY DAD’S IN THE GARAGE, A-TINKERING I’M IN THE BASEMENT WITH A ONE-EYED CAT YOU’D THINK A WOMAN WOULD BE HAPPY WITH THAT

SOME HAPPY’S GOOD SOME HAPPY’S CRAPPY CAN SOMEONE TELL THIS CHAPPY JUST WHAT MAKES A WOMAN HAPPY?

SOME THINGS IN LIFE, THEY NEED PAYING FOR I TOOK MYSELF A ROOM AND I TOOK MYSELF A WHORE “DO THIS AND THIS AND DARLIN’ DO NOT SCRIMP” SHE FREAKED OUT, YEAH, SHE CALLED HER PIMP HE BUSTED IN WITH A BARBELL BUDDY THEY ROUGHED ME UP, YEAH, THEY BEAT ME BLOODY I ONLY WANTED TO HOLD HANDS AND CHAT YOU’D THINK A WOMAN WOULD BE HAPPY WITH THAT

SOME HAPPY’S GOOD SOME HAPPY’S CRAPPY CAN SOMEONE TELL THIS CHAPPY JUST WHAT MAKES A WOMAN HAPPY?

I WENT TO A DISCO WHERE I HATED TO DANCE WITH FIFTY-SOMETHINGS IN GEN X PANTS DRINKS AND DELUSIONS WERE HAND IN HAND I GOT TO WORK LIKE ANY MAN I BOUGHT A MILF ABOUT A DOZEN DRINKS BUT SHE COULD STILL STAND AND SHE COULD STILL THINK I ONLY WANTED HER DRUNK IN THE SACK YOU’D THINK A WOMAN WOULD BE HAPPY WITH THAT

SOME HAPPY’S GOOD SOME HAPPY’S CRAPPY CAN SOMEONE TELL THIS CHAPPY JUST WHAT MAKES A WOMAN HAPPY?

SHE AND HER GIRLFRIENDS WERE ONTO TO MY PLAN THEY WENT AND STUFFED ME IN A SOCCER MOM VAN RIPPED OFF MY PANTS AND WITH ONE GREAT SHOVE SODOMIZED ME WITH A LONG NECK BUD THE PHOTOS TAKEN AS THEY WENT ALONG HAVE BEEN POSTED TO LOSER DOT COM IT’S BEEN A WEEK AND I HAVEN’T SAT I KNOW SOME WOMEN WHO ARE HAPPY WITH THAT

SOME HAPPY’S GOOD SOME HAPPY’S CRAPPY CAN SOMEONE TELL THIS CHAPPY JUST WHAT MAKES A WOMAN HAPPY?

SWEET FEAT

DELROY LINDO, HE TAPPED ON MY WINDOW SAYIN’ , “SON, GODDAMN! YOU CAN’T DANCE! I WAS PASSING BY, THOSE BAD MOVES CAUGHT MY EYE I PUKED, I FILLED MY PANTS! NOW, NORMALLY SPEAKIN’ I”D JUST SAY “INBREEDIN’!” BUT TODAY, OH I’M FULL OF CHARITY
I’M HOLLYWOOD, I’M FEELIN’ GOOD
I’M GONNA GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED - SWEET FEET!”

I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED

HE CLEANED HIS CLOTHES WITH MY GARDEN HOSE AND THEN HE SAUNTERED RIGHT ON IN
HE LAID ME ‘CROSS MY COFFEE TABLE SAYIN’,“SON, RELAX IF YOU ARE ABLE” HE PUT HIS HANDS ON MY PLEXUS…. SOLAR PLEXUS
I FELT MY ENERGY RISE HE SHOOK MY CHAKRAS, HE MADE ME SLACK JAWED THE TEARS FLOWED MY EYES

I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED SWEET FEET, I NEEDED

HE SLOWED MY BREATHING AND HE SLOWED MY PULSE HE CLOSED HIS EYES AND HE SAID SOME WEIRD STUFF HE SAT BACK WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE
AND THE LIGHTS STARTED TO FLICKER ‘ROUND MY PLACE MY BODY ROSE UP TO THE CEILING THE CRAZY SOUNDS, IT WAS ME, I WAS SQUEALIN’ I SLOWLY CAME DOWN, LANDING ON MY FEET
I WAS A NEW MAN, I GOT ME SWEET FEET!

I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME

DELROY LINDO, HE TAPPED ON MY WINDOW SAYIN’ , “SON, GODDAMN! YOU CAN’T DANCE! I WAS PASSING BY, THOSE BAD MOVES CAUGHT MY EYE I PUKED, I FILLED MY PANTS! NOW, NORMALLY SPEAKIN’ I”D JUST SAY “INBREEDIN’ BUT TODAY, OH I’M FULL OF CHARITY
I’M HOLLYWOOD, I’M FEELIN’ GOOD
I’M GONNA GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED - SWEET FEET!”

I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME SWEET FEET, I GOT ME I GOT ME SWEET FEET!

SO-SO

I DON’T NEED A WOMAN WITH A BIG CAREER OH I PAY MY OWN WAY IN PORNO AND BEER I DON’T NEED A WOMAN WITH REAL ESTATE
I’M LOOKIN’ FOR A DRINKER INTO DRINKIN’ LATE I DON’T NEED A WOMAN INTO KENNY G
ANVIL AND RAVEN, OH, THEY DO IT FOR ME I NEED A LONELY HEART LONELIER THAN ME
A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM REFUGEE

I DON’T NEED A WOMAN WITH A BETTER BODY THAN ALL GUT AND NO BUTT AND ONE NUT ME I NEED A PLAIN JANE WITH LOOKS ON THE WANE WHO’LL DROOL LIKE A FOOL OVER MY MULLET MANE I’M LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO’LL THINK THE VIEW FROM MY SHITTY APARTMENT IS THE VIEW THAT’LL DO I GUESS I NEED A LADY A LITTLE LIKE ME A TWELVE STEPPER LEPER STUCK ON THREE

YOU’RE TOO GOOD LOOKIN’ AND TOO DAMN TOGETHER FOR ME DO YOU HAVE A SO-SO SISTER? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOOK AND SEE? WELL, MAYBE SHE’S GOT HERSELF A LAZY EYE AND MAYBE SHE NEEDS HERSELF A LAZY GUY YOU’RE TOO GOOD LOOKIN’ AND TOO DAMN TOGETHER FOR ME

SO-SO, SO-SO SISTER, SO-SO, SO-SO SISTER SO-SO, SO-SO SISTER, SO-SO, SO-SO

PRETTY UGLY

THE PRETTY GIRL HAD A PRETTY BIG PROBLEM SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OVER HER BOTTOM SHE MADE HER WAY ALL THE WAY TO PARAGUAY
AND GOT A NEW ASS, CROWD FUNDING PAID
THE HANDSOME MAN HAD A HANDSOME PROBLEM HE LOVED HIS TESTES BUT, UH-UH, NOT HIS SCROTUM WHILE HE WAS ON BUSINESS IN GERMANY
HE GOT HIMSELF AN UBER SAC THROUGH SURGERY

THE HANDSOME MAN, HE SAVES ALL HIS PASSION  FOR HIS VULGAR DAILY WORKOUT SESSIONS
UGLY SLOBBERY JUST DRIPPING FROM GYM MACHINES EGO A-GO-GO, EGO A-GO-GO! OBSCENITY THE PRETTY GIRL, SHE’S GOT HERSELF SOME FACELIFT TROUBLE ON THE BEST OF DATS, SHE’S KIND OF UNRECOGNIZABLE
AFTER TWENTY NINE RHINOPLASTIES LITTLE GIRLS, THEY ASK HER, “IS YOUR DADDY E.T.?”

THE PRETTY GIRL, SHE MET THE MAN SO HANDSOME
HAD SOME PRETTY DRINKS AND THEY SHAGGED SOME SHE LOVED HIS WAY OF INTIMACY
DID NOT MESS HER HAIR, HE WAS BRIEF
BUSY BUSY SMILING SMUGLY
SO VERY UNAWARE OF THEIR OWN UGLY

PSYCHO EX

EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE, I SWEAR, I SWEAR, HAS A PSYCHO EX BURIED DEEP INSIDE SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHERE, IN THEIR EX ROLODEX A LOVER MISSTEP THAT THEY’D RATHER FORGET EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE, I SWEAR, I SWEAR, HAS A PSYCHO EX SOME PEOPLE CRAVE AND THEY RAVE AND RAVE ABOUT THE PSYCHO SEX THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN THE STARS MISALIGN WITH A PSYCHO EX ALL THE CRAZY PHONE CALLS AT THE CRAZIEST HOURS ARE GUARANTEED TO GUARANTEE YOU HANDCUFFS AND GOLDEN SHOWERS

PSYCHO JOE! PSYCHO JANE! PSYCHO DISCOS ARE CALLING YOUR NAMES! SO DANCE IT UP, DRINK IT UP, LAP IT UP, HOOK UP! HOOK UP AND FADE AWAY! PSYCHO JOE! PSYCHO JANE! PSYCHO DISCOS ARE CALLING YOUR NAMES! SO DANCE IT UP, DRINK IT UP, LAP IT UP, HOOK UP! HOOK UP AND FADE AWAY!

EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE, I SWEAR, HAS HAD A PSYCHO EX DRIVE AROUND THEIR BLOCK FOR HOURS OR LOOK OVER THEIR HEDGE UNHAPPY, UNHINGED, HELLBENT ON REVENGE EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE HAS HAD AN EX GO OVER THE EDGE EVERY PSYCHO EVERYWHERE, I SWEAR, COULD USE ANALYSIS AND POCKETS FULL OF PSYCHIATRIC, PSYCHIATRIC MEDS GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MY FRIENDS, ON SEEING DRUGS DISPENSED ‘CAUSE PSYCHO EXES ALWAYS CLAIM YOU ARE THE PSYCHO EX

PSYCHO EX! WHAT A CREEP! SEE A SHRINK! LOBOTOMY! LOBOTOMY! LOBOTOMY! LOBOTOMY! LOBOTOMY!…

BON APPETIT

CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA HA-CHA

WELL, IF IT LIVED AND IF IT’S DEAD AND IF THE FLESH IS A LOVELY ROSEY RED JUST LEAD ME TO IT, I’M GONNA CHEW IT I’LL EAT IT RAW, FRICASSEED, I’LL BARBEQUE IT CAN’T DO TOFU, TOFU WON’T DO IT’S THE LAMEST WAY I KNOW TO MAKE YOU SPEW BEAN CURD, BEAN CURD, BABE, THAT’S ABSURD! GIMME SOMETHING FRESH FROM A HERD

I’M A VEGAN, I’M A FREAKIN’ I CAN’T BELIEVE THE BULLSHIT THAT YOU’RE SPEAKIN’! HOW DARE YOU SWALLOW A BEAUTIFUL SOUL EVERY COW, PIGGY, LAMB, ESCARGOT

IT WALKED ON TWO? THAT’LL DO AND IF IT WALKED AROUND ON FOUR, GIMME MORE! I CARVE AT LARGE WITH ARTISTRY AND ON MY HIP, MY CARNIVORE CUTLERY AND IF MY PLANE SHOULD HIT THE ANDES MY APPETITE WILL COME IN PRETTY HANDY ‘CAUSE I’LL BE EATIN’ THE DEAD VEGANS UNTIL THE RESCUERS COME WITH BEEF ON A BUN

EATIN’ VEGANS VEGANS! WHEN THEY’RE IN SEASON VEGANS! NOTHIN’ BEATS ‘EM WHEN WELL SEASONED EATIN’ VEGANS VEGANS! WHEN THEY’RE IN SEASON VEGANS! NOTHIN’ BEATS ‘EM WHEN WELL SEASONED

CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA HA-CHA

WELL, IF IT GRAZED DAY AFTER DAY HAPPILY AS PART OF MY FOOD CHAIN ABATTOIR IT, I’LL DEVOUR IT MONTREAL MARINADE, I’LL SWEET ’N SOUR IT HOW CAN I LIVE ON A DAISY DIET? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A DAISY, DO YOU FRY IT? DAISIES BELONG IN A PRETTY VASE NOT ON MY PLATE WITH HOLLANDAISE SAUCE

I’M A VEGAN, I’M A FREAKIN’ I CAN’T BELIEVE THE BULLSHIT THAT YOU’RE SPEAKIN’! HOW DARE YOU SWALLOW A BEAUTIFUL SOUL EVERY COW, PIGGY, LAMB, ESCARGOT

I FALL ASLEEP THINKIN’ OF MEAT BY COUNTING SHEEP I’D REALLY LOVE TO EAT HEY, SIT ME DOWN AND BRING ‘EM ‘ROUND AND BRING ME GROG TO HELP ME WASH IT DOWN AND IF MY PLANE SHOULD HIT THE ANDES MY APPETITE WILL COME IN PRETTY HANDY ‘CAUSE I’LL BE EATIN’ THE DEAD VEGANS UNTIL THE RESCUERS COME WITH BEEF ON A BUN

EATIN’ VEGANS VEGANS! WHEN THEY’RE IN SEASON VEGANS! NOTHIN’ BEATS ‘EM WHEN WELL SEASONED EATIN’ VEGANS VEGANS! WHEN THEY’RE IN SEASON VEGANS! NOTHIN’ BEATS ‘EM WHEN WELL SEASONED

I’M A VEGAN, AND YEAH, I’M A FREAKIN’ I CAN’T BELIEVE THE BULLSHIT THAT YOU’RE SPEAKIN’! HOW DARE YOU SWALLOW A BEAUTIFUL SOUL EVERY COW, PIGGY, LAMB AND ESCARGOT

CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA HA-CHA

WHEN

I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE OUT OF BREATH
I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE OUT OF BREATH WHEN I ARRIVE, WHEN I ARRIVE, WHEN I ARRIVE AT DEATH WHEN I ARRIVE, WHEN I ARRIVE, WHEN I ARRIVE AT DEATH I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE OUT OF BREATH I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE OUT OF BREATH

DO EVERYTHING, GO EVERYWHERE, DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE
DO EVERYTHING, GO EVERYWHERE, DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE
HOLD A MONKEY, HUG A REDWOOD, GET A TATTOO OF YOU
HOLD A MONKEY, HUG A REDWOOD, GET A TATTOO OF YOU REACH A MOUNTAIN PEAK, EAT CHICKEN FEET, RIDE A TUK TUK OR TWO REACH A MOUNTAIN PEAK, EAT CHICKEN FEET, RIDE A TUK TUK OR TWO DO EVERYTHING, GO EVERYWHERE, DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE DO EVERYTHING, GO EVERYWHERE, DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE

MY LA-Z-BOY, MY LA-Z-BOY, MY LA-Z-BOY IS COMFY
MY LA-Z-BOY, MY LA-Z-BOY, MY LA-Z-BOY’S SO COMFY
MY TV SCREEN, MY TV SCREEN, MY TV SCREEN IS SO WIDE
MY TV SCREEN, MY TV SCREEN, MY TV IS SO WIDE THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE’S LITTLE TIME FOR OUTSIDE THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE IS SO LITTLE TIME
THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE’S LITTLE TIME FOR OUTSIDE THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE’S LITTLE TIME, THERE IS SO LITTLE TIME